In the Moment!

All this anger and frustration I have been experiencing lately has me thinking....a lot!

I have thought about all my past failures, choices, regrets, issues, and so on. I have thought about how to continue to fight and keep going. I think this may the first time that I have wanted to figure out the future instead of give up.

Sadly, I have no idea what that means. I am still confused about so many things in my life. Relationships that I had and have, food and my health - despite I have no grocery money, spirituality, how to be a single mom, and am I really going to end up staying in the car business?

Let's break it down...

My health is very important to me. If I am not healthy, I can't be a mom, work, be in any kind of relationship...it's the basis of life. Health includes my body and my soul. As far as my body, recently finding out things was very depressing for me. My body does not tolerate certain foods so I am supposed to not eat them which gets difficult when I don't have money. I am supposed to take certain vitamins and medications to help get my body back into balance. For the most part I have ignored this just because it takes a lot of work and more importantly, I don't love myself enough to put that much work into it.

My health also includes my soul. I need to keep my soul and spirit in balance. Again, this has fallen to the waste side because of my self-hatred. How do I find out who I am when I don't really care? I have felt pulled in so many directions as far as church, people, relationships, etc that I threw my hands up and just stopped caring. I couldn't be pulled anymore. I want to search this part of me, but on my terms and without feeling judged or pushed or forced into other people's ideas.

As far as being a parent, anyone that is a parent knows how hard it is and how emotional it is. I am not trying to sound like my job is harder or trying to get pity (actually pity is not the goal in my blog). Anyway, I know have two teenagers and a 9 year old, all girls and it's rough. I have to be mom and dad. Set an awesome example and hope and pray that I can do a good enough job that they won't grow up a hot mess. They have experienced way to much in their young lives as it is, they don't need a hot mess of a mom. I feel like a constant failure though. Not being able to provide, not knowing what to do or say, taking things they do or say personally, and feeling like I can't make up for things they experience outside of my control. I'm tired!

So the new perspective or change on all this?

Well, today I sat down and actually made a food list of foods I can eat and ones that I should stay away from. I did this because I get way to overwhelmed with it. I figured if I have a list on the fridge, I can easily grab it, go to the store and know what to get without too much stress. Yes, after three years, I still get very stressed and a lot of anxiety when it comes to food and grocery shopping. We'll see how the list helps.

I have also been trying to keep to the appropriate amount of exercise. Nothing too much or too little. It's hard, but I want to be healthy.

My spirituality? Hhhhmmm, not sure yet. I am still being pulled in several directions. The only thing I can do is be purposeful about setting time aside to meditate and really think about what I want and who I am.

Being a parent I think will be a life long journey. Just knowing that other's struggle and have similar feelings I do has helped me through this weekend. That and a lot of deep breathing. I love my girls more than anything and I really want to do a good job with them. In the end, I just really hope they know how much I do love them!!!!

I am really trying to focus on the moment and not let the big picture of things overwhelm me. So today I am staying positive and being proactive in things I have ignored.