Their rock!

Realizing that most of my blog posts do not make sense, I have been thinking of writing about something that does. Then I realized that life sometimes just doesn't make sense. Often we wonder why things happen the way the happen or just plain old why they happen. The truth is though that there rarely is no answer to all those questions or all that worry.

Yes, I am extremely frustrated and have very little hope in the future. Yes, I have no idea why I have the life that I have. It is definitely not what I had planned. Another truth? I don't think I want the life I had planned either. That life was still not as good as I, as an adult, want it to be.

In the meantime, I am not sure why I go through what I go through. But from everything I have learned in recovery, I am supposed live one moment at a time. A concept I have the hardest time doing. If I live in this moment, this very moment, I would be content that I have internet access to write this blog. When I stop to think about it and the bill that comes with having the internet, I am very angry. Angry at the schools for practically requiring children to have internet. A huge chuck of my daughter's homework is to be turned in online. What about the parents that can't afford it? What about the parents that are paying for internet so their kid doesn't fail their homework instead of buying food? What about me? A single mom that struggles month to month as it is and has so much required of her from the schools? I get angry that I have to pay for something I cannot afford.

All that anger leads to paying for other things I can't afford, like my phone. Having a phone these days is not cheap. And no, I do not have a fancy phone with all the bells and whistles. My phone is old and right it's even dead. The battery is bad and the sim card says it doesn't work. Can a single mom truly live without a phone? I'd like to think I can, but how would work get a hold of me or anyone else for that matter. I can't afford to get a new phone or even fix this one so I guess we will find out soon enough.

The problem is that a lot of things are happening all at once. I am so very overwhelmed and feel like my life will always be such a struggle. In the past, I ignored everything, acted out, and pretended nothing was wrong. These last few weeks, I have actually cried. Not because I want to but because my emotions are so intense I can't stop it. I do stop it as soon as I can and tell myself that I am not worth crying over and that I have to get it together. I have to be the strong one. I have to know all the answers. I have to show my girls that we aren't in a world of hurt. After all, they need me for their issues.

One is getting surgery, the other is just hitting puberty and looks to me for help and advice, the other just wants me around. I can't go hide and cry. They need me! Those girls depend on me to be their rock.

Yes, my life doesn't make sense and yes I still have no idea what to do, but I do know that my girls need me and I need get it together!