Defeat

I feel extremely defeated!!!!!!

Yes, to the point of crying and those that know me know that I do NOT cry!!!! I let myself for a minute, then gathered myself while saying that I am better than that. Do not cry!

Why do I feel this way? Well, I am guessing it is a compilation of several things that I just keep covering up with something else. Some because of circumstances out of my control and some because of my own choices.

Tonight I got so angry with my children for things that aren't completely their fault. I didn't yell or act out on them, just told them that I was upset and was going to lock myself in my room. Even though my anger was directed towards them, I have not and do not want to take it out them. But this is the first time I have actually walked away and chose to lock myself in my room. That's when the crying started and stopped just as quickly.

I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I have one child that seems to think I will "save" her from all her mistakes, accidents, or whatever else she needs and another that completely does not like me or even want to be around her family. Both my fault in how I have parented thus far. My anger came about when I had to get money for one that got theirs stolen and went to pick up the other one and was not where she said would be so I had to wait for her. My anger just kept boiling over and hit the peak when I got home and the one that needed the money walked in on me while I was in the bathroom to get it. So on a normal day, all this would be cause for consequences and teaching lessons. But not today.

Today plus the last little bit...here's the background...

As most know I barely make it financially and try my best to keep up with what my girls need and try really hard to once in a while let them have something they want. This is the first time since I have been on my own that I felt completely hopeless when it comes to money. My girls know that I struggle to provide for them and things are tough but they also see that I come through and they have their needs met. I can not buy things they need right now. Not even food. We are down to the last few packages of ramen and have a few cans of carrots and some oatmeal. There is no time in the near future that I can get them more food. My poor child is so constipated and sick from eating so much ramen, ugh! So between my own guilt as a parent being able to not provide, my daughter getting money stolen from her fundraiser box, I just got angry at her for not being more responsible.

As I also said earlier, one of them dislikes me. She is going through that stage where everyone hates her, nothing is fair, she feels she doesn't belong, etc. etc. etc. For a normal family, this is typical of a child her age going through so many changes and trying to figure out who they are and all that fun stuff. Well for me, I feel so inadequate as a parent as it is that when she says things like, "I don't want to be around my family," and "I can't trust any of you," I get over emotional. I want to fix it, fix her, but I can't. She has to go through her own emotions and learn from them just like everybody else.

I am slowly falling apart. I can't keep up anymore. I am tired and hungry. Oh yeah, my eating disorder loves that I have no food to eat. Add in that I have been sick for a couple weeks and I am one big hot mess!!!

Perspective? Yes, that's what I need to try to change. The outlook for tomorrow and next week look pretty dark and there isn't much I can do to change that. What I can do is be grateful tonight that I have a roof over my head, hot water, a bed, and was able to make dinner for girls. Tonight they ate, tonight they will sleep in a warm bed, tonight they will be able to shower with hot water, and tonight I will be able to tuck them in and tell them I love them.