Everyday Battles

One of my biggest hurdles has been the frustration that I am not immediately recovered and that it really does take time and patience. I have been told that it takes time and to slow down since the beginning of this process but can't quite grasp it. I don't want to suffer anymore but the reality is that I haven't given myself a real chance at this yet. I haven't slowed down enough to really face my demons and accept things for what they are. While this is a current goal of mine and I plan on not moving forward with anything else until I am fully ready to...I still struggle immensely with facing them.

Today I forced myself out of the house to go for a run despite that I lost my IPod and had to do it without music. I looked for my daughter's IPod but I am pretty sure she takes hers to school. My anxiety grew and grew to the point of physical illness. I took a deep breath and stepped outside anyway. Why? Because I am fat. Because I regret eating yesterday and regret that I didn't workout all weekend. I went because of ED not because I wanted to. I do enjoy running, especially outside in the fresh air with my music going. I want to get to a point that I can do it because I like it again, not just because ED is pushing me.

Some of you may be wondering why I have so much anxiety without my music. This goes back to that constant internal dialogue that plays. I love running because it's me, the pavement, and my music and that's it. No thoughts, no anxiety, no problems. Without the music, I can't shut the internal dialogue up. It plays and plays and distracts me from enjoying myself.

Today the tape played over and over again about how selfish and fat I am. There are people in this world that are suffering way more than I am. They are dealing with cancer, illnesses, and other diseases that are just so devastating. Why am I so worried about being fat? Yes, I have been told a million times that I can't ignore myself because of others' problems. I still need to take care of myself because without that, I can't be there for other people. The one's in my opinion that need it more than me.

The reality is that yes, they are suffering and going through terrible things and I have and will continue to pray for those families. And someday I will be healthy enough and strong enough to be support for them. It is also a reality that I have to accept that I have mental illnesses and I too am suffering. I need help and support also. I don't think it's fair that there is a stereotype and even lack of knowledge with mental illnesses that society in general does not pay attention to or give enough credit to those of us that do suffer quietly.

Let me put in this disclaimer that I am not trying to or will never compare one illness with another. Mine isn't any better or worse than someone else, whether physical or mental. I fully understand that everyone has their own "stuff" they are dealing with and feel that everyone should be patient with everyone and show the same respect. Yes, I guess I am one of those, why can't we all just get along types. It is not my job to judge anyone for anything. I don't know their stories and I don't know their feelings. Everyone has a right to their own feelings, struggles, views, etc. And I for one don't want to be told otherwise.

My heart hurts for those that are facing cancer, tumors, and any other disease right now. My heart aches for those that have a lack of understanding. My heart is sad for those that think their lives are more important than anyone around them. My heart is heavy and conflicted. I will continue to pray for what my heart hurts for and I will also continue to not ignore myself either. I need to continue this slow path I am on right now and take things day by day, one step at a time.

So whether or not any of that makes any sense, it goes through my head. Balancing my life and finding a place to fit in this world. I question way to many things and battle way to many demons. Where's the line between being selfish and taking care of yourself? Today, my battle is this question of selfishness and what that means?