Simplicity

Here's a really raw blog post. I am going to be painfully honest all because of my phone. Odd, I know, but here we go....

So as some of you already know, I do not currently have a phone. It wasn't supposed to be this way but due to finances I couldn't pay the entire bill so I paid a portion of it thinking it would be okay. Well, news to me it's not and now it's shut off. Backing up a little, I had also decided to sell my new fancy smart phone/tablet for several reasons. One is the obvious, money. As helpful as it is for someone like me, I just can't afford it. But here is a bigger reason...I have issues. Haha, yes I know, you all know that, hence the blog. These issues involve my phone.

I have been diagnosed with many things, depression, OCD, anxiety, PTSD, self-harm, and an eating disorder. Wow! There's the painfully honest part. Yes, all these things are a part of me and it has been my journey to learn how to deal with them and live with them. They all effect every part of my life, my decisions, my behaviors, my thoughts, and so much more. It's kind of scary for me sometimes and it's easier for me to crawl into my bed and hide from the world. You see, I also have a constant internal dialogue that does not stop even while I sleep. They haunt me in my dreams. Learning all of this about myself has been pretty recent as the focus has mostly been just on the eating disorder. The diagnosis' did come years ago, but to actually accept and understand what they mean are much more complex. I am starting to grasp the concept of slowing down so that I can truly focus on recovery. This is a whole new stage in my recovery but I am willing to face all these demons and issues that have been haunting me for so long.

So what's the connection between all my issues and my phone? These new fancy smart phones beep and constantly let you know of something, a new message, a new email, your turn on games, a phone call, a voice mail, and so on and so on. There was always a notification or a beep or something on my phone. I don't know if it's my OCD or what but I can't stand those little symbols on my phone. I was constantly checking it and clearing each one off so my phone didn't "look" messy. It was extremely overwhelming and interrupted parts of my life. So I made the decisions that because of money and issues, I would sell my fancy phone and go back to the basics since that is my goal right now. Back to the basics of life, slow down, and breath. The more I can eliminate out of my life that will contribute to my OCD, my internal dialogue, my anxiety and all the other things I deal with every day, the better I can really focus on my recovery and learn to function, really function.

All of this is very scary for me and I feel very selfish and unproductive, but someone keeps reminding me that I need to focus on myself for a while in order to be around for my girls and those that love me. It's true. I can't be the parent I want to be if all this other "stuff" crowds my mind. So for now my life needs to be as simple as I can make it and I need to be okay with going slow and feeling unproductive, because ultimately I am being productive.