Being me?

My goal has always been to figure who I am throughout this recovery process. It's all I ever wanted and needed. Part of my conclusion in this process has been that it will be a life long journey with changes and growth. I won't be the same person tomorrow as I am today. But there are some basic things I am processing right now and even expressed during a conversation I had with someone yesterday.

You see I have always felt stuck being a person others want me to be. Fitting into some mold in order to have friends, or be included in things, or even be happy. What I am finding out more and more is who I am not more than who I am. But I guess that can be counted as discovery.

In this conversation, I expressed that I needed to be allowed to be who I am in any relationship. Anyone that came along side me would have to accept me for me and not expect for me to change or be someone else just to fit in. This other person was not happy. So I stopped sharing and starting thinking more and more. But what about others, is the question that came up in this conversation. So of course, with my constant obsessiveness and internal dialogue, I couldn't sleep last night thinking about this. Am I being selfish for wanting to me? This is not something that I know the answer to. I want my children to be who they are and what kind of example would I be setting if I wasn't being me? This person said, and I quote, "but I am worried about the girls, living in a car or on the streets." Wow, I thought. Am I that messed up that I wouldn't be responsible enough to make sure they had a place to live and food to eat? Is there something really that wrong with me? Have I done anything to show that this would happen? Talk about some serious self-doubt. While it crosses my mind that I am completely incapable of being a parent, other people suggesting this makes it much worse and confirms my own thoughts. I have so much to process and think about now that I am not even sure what to do. What's the next step?

All I want is to be me. Is to be able to be an artist, a mother, a loving, caring person to others, live by the ocean (which feeds my souls), enjoy my life, not be put into a bubble or mold, have others around me that I can laugh with, cry with, and eat with, and so much more. I am pretty sure I know what I want for my life and if another person wants to be part of that great. If not, then I need to find new people to be around.

I do know that 5 years from now I may not want the same things for my life. I do know that even next week I might change my mind. I just want to be me!