What next?

So I have pretty much been honest and more open than usual on this blog. I have also tried very hard to stay positive and talk about a different perspective throughout this process. I know that learning and looking at things differently helps, even if it is in that moment. Today I am going to be more open and it makes me kind of nervous, but here it goes...

There are things I know I need in order to help and support my recovery. Things that I am not sure are in reach for me. Let me back up just a little and start with how I know what I need and want. I have been struggling so much lately with restricting my food and amping up my exercise. I have also been dealing with the negative thoughts that are just getting louder and louder. There are times that I am so wrapped in ED that I can't see anything else. In times of clarity, I get so angry and sad because I feel like I shouldn't be struggling like this after a couple of years of being in recovery. I know, I know...it takes time. I have heard that average recovery from an eating disorder takes 7-10 years and that I need to be patient. Here's the other thing, I don't have the money to keep going. It costs a lot to stay in therapy, groups, see a dietitian, and so on to stay on top of all of it.

So basically, I have been in recovery long enough to know things but not long enough to be stable enough to do this on my own. I have more than a hard time reaching out for help because I feel crazy. What's the point? And I don't want the cop-out or cliche response, it doesn't help. Part of me really believes I am not good enough to reach out and that help just isn't out there for me. I also tell myself that I am not that bad, there are people are worse than me, I am just being a baby, and so on. All those lovely excuses to not ask.

All that being said, I know what I need. I need a new environment all together. The one I am in is really hard. I know I need more support and groups or something but not in-patient again. In-patient sounds really nice and an escape from the real world, but it's not something I need again. The problem...I just don't have them money. I'd love to pick up and just move to another area, state even that has more support available but that costs money too. I am at a loss, feeling alone, scared, and very unsure of my next step. Today I am trying to be proactive in researching options and finding new ones I didn't know were out there. Bottom line is that I know I need more, something new, the next step, just something because I am really having a hard time and feel stuck.