Educating Myself

I have typed up and deleted this blog several times. If I am completely honest it's because of my perfectionism and fear of being open about this topic as silly as it seems. So here we go with another attempt.

Vitamins. Yes vitamins. Silly I know. Something most people take everyday. Something I give my kids everyday. Why? Because I want to ensure their health and their bodies are getting everything they need. They are children after all and are pretty picky about what they eat. As they have gotten older they are less picky and understand the benefits of eating vegetables. Anyway, this isn't about them it's about me. Vitamins. Yuck!

What is my big aversion to vitamins and does it affect my recovery? I am not sure where my original fear came from but I definitely fear taking pills in general. It doesn't matter if it's Tylenol, vitamins, anti-depressants, antibiotics, etc. Anything in pill form. I even refused as many pills as I could while I was in treatment, even the vitamins.

Maybe it's the stereotypical, you're crazy if you take them, or maybe it's because some you have to take with food to prevent getting ill. It could be this idea that will make me fat or even the fear of they will make me feel better. I have many things about them while growing up and currently. I have heard things like, only crazy people take pills, vitamins will make you sick, if you just put your faith in God you don't need them, they are poison in your body, and you are fine! There is so much more I heard and hear that just plain old confuse me about whether or not I need them.

I recently had some blood work done and they came back with severe vitamin deficiency's. Big shocker for someone with an eating disorder. I was surprised though. So my doctor suggested a vitamin regimen that will help bring things back to normal levels. At first I immediately purchased them and started. Because of my fears I also quit eating, which of course landed me in bed for a couple of days ill. Yes, they will make you sick on on empty stomach. My battle is knowing why I need them and how to take them.

Apparently vitamins can effect your health in so many ways. Certain ones in certain areas and if even one is low or out of balance you will feel it in one way or another. It surprises me how much vitamins make your body work. I have since been doing research and learning as much as I can about the effects. Because of all this research I have experienced so many thoughts, emotions, and even some confusion. I plan on educating myself more so that I am fully aware of my body and how to keep it healthy.

I have as of yet to start taking my vitamins again but I know I need to. I fear getting sick again and I fear gaining weight. I fear judgement and people's reactions but I have to remember that not many people know and truly understand how complex our bodies are. Every person has a different body and has different needs to keep it healthy. Some people naturally lack a certain vitamin or chemical and need extra. There is a crazy stigma of taking vitamins and/pills but there is great need for some people to stay healthy. Now I am going all out there saying that I am several medications for brain chemicals, anxiety, and of course the vitamins. I take them because I need them and I know what I feel and how I behave without them. I don't tell anyone because of the fear but now I guess the whole world knows. It's not a bad thing if you need them and it doesn't mean you are crazy.

Ultimately, I am me and part of that means doing what I need to keep my body in balance and healthy no matter how scary or even embarrassing it is. I will fight and continue on in my journey, even with vitamins and other medications.