So I am not going to delete that last blog despite that I want to. I wrote it half asleep and am pretty sure it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. This one is a rewrite of the last one with more meaning and sense to it, or at least I hope, haha.
Compromise is generally something one does while in a relationship with another to meet a mutual agreement on the situation. This could mean where to eat out on date night or how to spend their free day. It could also be used in the context of friendships so that they continue to grow and flourish. Everyone needs to compromise something at some point in their lives, whether big or small. As a spouse, a parent, a child, a friend, and/or a coworker, all need to compromise in some way. The big question is, do you know what you are willing to compromise and what you are not?
Sacrifice is more along the lines of giving up something or losing something for the sake of another or something else. As a parent, we sacrifice so much for our children, like our time and finances and so much more. Making sacrifices in our relationships becomes a bit more complicated. It's much harder to sacrifice than it is to compromise, yet there are times it has to be done. But at what cost?
I tell you all this because I have been thinking a lot about these two things the last few months. I have made some decisions with the acceptance of some things about myself. I thought long and hard about what I had to decide and I felt at the time I really had no other choice. Today I still feel like I have no other choice but the problem now lies in compromise and sacrifice and what to accept and what not to.
Unfortunately I have compromised who I am and who I want to become, or I should say sacrificed myself. I am in a position that is not good for me. I know this and I have accepted this. There are times when it becomes so overwhelming that I just want to run away. I don't want to sacrifice who I am as a person and who I want to be and what I stand for for anyone, not even my children. I feel incredibly guilty about that and feel that as a parent I should be okay with all this sacrifice. I know my line though. I know that in moments of desperation and weakness I make choices that later I regret but feel very stuck in. The problem is that I am not strong enough as my own person yet to know when those moments of weakness are.
It would be beneficial for me to let people in to help, love, support, and guide me in those times but for some reason I am so fearful of letting someone fully in. While there are people that know parts of me and even people that think they know me but don't. What I thought was compromise is actually sacrifice and it hurts. I don't want to be this person but I feel extremely stuck in the position I am in. I wanted to put up the white flag this morning and admit defeat, which I did, but that doesn't mean giving completely up. I admit defeat, I admit that I can't do this, I admit that I pushed people away, I admit that I made poor decisions, and I admit that I am one confused, unsure person.
My problem now is knowing what to do next. I have a lot to figure out. A lot of compromises that I will be okay with and even some sacrifices that need to be made. Since my track record, well kind of sucks, I fear making any decisions and knowing which ones are right or wrong, or at the very least, ones that I really will be okay with.
My advice in all of this...figure out what you are willing to compromise and sacrifice and share it with others that will support you and remind you of them when its needed!
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